As i mentioned in my last entry (on my livejournal), i recently changed positions from submissive to slave. It was a decision that i discussed with no one before mentioning it to my Domina.

i always knew that my Domina wanted a slave. She had mentioned it several times. In my head, i always thought “i wish i could be a slave for Her, but i cannot.”

The reasons why i didn’t believe i could be a slave were several. Mainly, i knew what level of commitment slavehood meant, and i didn’t feel right offering that up or accepting that commitment unless i was sure that i could meet the requirements. As much as i knew offering it up would please Her, i didn’t want to do it prematurely. i knew offering it up at the wrong time would only lead to disappointment and resentment, rather than the happiness i longed to give Her.

Recently, when having a conversation, i mentioned again how i just couldn’t be a slave. The utterance stuck in my head, however.

Also at that time, i realized how close i had come to losing my Domina. i will not discuss the issues in a public forum, as they are private to Her heart. But doubts had crept into Her heart and mind, which if left to grow, might have meant the end of the relationship between Her and i.

Almost losing someone is never a reason to make a commitment. However, at the same time, it showed me just how deeply i care for Her. More than that, it showed me just how much i respect and admire Her. More and more, my life is devoted to Her happiness and the success of Her projects: Dungeon Servitus and Cage of the Soul. my modeling career, put on hold for the holidays, was not missed at all, but rather my days were filled with thoughts of Her, service to Her, and nothing seemed missing.

The words about how i couldn’t be a slave echoed in my head. i thought to myself “WHY do you think you couldn’t be a slave?” Before, honestly, i was afraid of that level of commitment. i was afraid to give up such a large part of myself, to make another Person the focus of my life and my energy.

With almost losing my Domina, i realized how much i care for Her, how much i trust Her, and how much i already am focused on Her. i thought about what would change in Oour dynamic if i became a slave, and i realized …. i was already at that level of commitment inside myself, but just hadn’t said the words.

As i sat in the dungeon, listening to m and Domina discuss things, i thought to myself that i was going to ask Her once m left. As soon as i made the decision, my stomach turned to butterflies and i became nervous and fidgety. i realized that i couldn’t keep the words inside me anymore, and so i offered myself up as Her slave.

Since She has accepted, i have felt more whole, more complete.

i am glad that i waited until i had no reservations, no doubts, before making this offering to Her. i am glad that Wwe came to this point, through ups and downs, and can make this decision wisely.

i am glad that i can make my Domina happy by offering myself in this way, at this level, for Her happiness.

Dungeon Servitus has been my home since i stepped foot inside it. Now it’s truly my home, and i give my life to it and to its wonderful Owner, my Owner, Domina Angelina.

Last night Dungeon Servitus hosted CoRE for a day of ritual hook suspensions.

Due to a personal matter, my Domina had to leave part way through the event. She handed over the event to me, and trusted that i would take care of Her dungeon and Her guests.

i felt proud that i got to take care of an event on my own. i was proud that She trusted me enough to let me take over the night, albeit urged on by the personal emergency.

As i looked over the dungeon at the end of the night, having seen that E/everyone was taken care of and safely on T/their way home, my heart felt full and complete. This morning, i received an email from my Domina saying that the dungeon looked great and She was happy with how i handled things.

i also hope that i did well by my pet, ivy. she attempted her second suspension, but her body just wouldn’t allow it. i held her hands and talked her down from a panic attack. she attempted to go up again, but broke into tears and couldn’t do it.

Some might wonder if there was disappointment in me, but there wasn’t. Sure, i wish that she could have made it up, to show herself how strong she is. However, she calmed herself down from her anxiety, took deep breaths, and tried again. At the end of the day, trying is what is important. It’s the journey that is important. Learning about yourself.

As she cried, i held her, and was happy that i could be there for her. i thought of my Domina and how i was helping Her while helping ivy. i knew my Domina didn’t have the energy that day for all the happenings, and i was proud that i could step in and help, both in running the space and taking care of Her ivy.

i hope this entry doesn’t sound preachy or conceited. i don’t mean to brag about how great i was last night. Instead, it is an appreciation of the opportunities that i was given, to show my devotion through service and through support. It is an appreciation to T/those who trust me enough to run Their dungeon, to hold their hands through pain, to allow me into T/their lives.

i appreciate each of these opportunities, and i give my all to complete each task to the best of my ability, both in what i see i can do, and in what You see i can do.

Through service i show my love. Through support i show my love. And my heart feels swelled with love and pride and joy.

i feel like two sides of me are at war. On one hand, there’s my modeling. It’s picking up lately, making me busier and busier. i’m flying across country pretty regularly now. This is all great. However.

With the increase of my modeling comes a decrease in the play with my Domina. She expressed an interest in finding someone to play with heavy, because i have shoots so often that i can no longer really get the marks She wants to give.

i’m completely torn. i feel like my job is making my relationship worse. Part of me wishes i could just get a 9-5 job in San Diego, so that i could be marked whenever. However i know that i simply cannot hold down a job like that. i wish i had the money to not work, to just devote myself to my Domina all the time. But i don’t, and i’m forced to find a job that can support me. But at what cost?

i deeply miss the scenes Wwe once had, where She would beat me until i broke. i haven’t had a scene like that in awhile, and the longer it goes, the more i feel it. my work is not play for me, it’s work. i never go into subspace during work. i never fully allow myself to go during work, because i still have to focus on keeping my eyes open, not crying, looking at the camera, facing the right way, sucking it in, etc.

my Domina seems proud of my modeling. Right now i am not very proud at all. Right now if i could, i’d probably give it all up to stay in town with Her. i know that’s not even an option, and i’m just feeling upset.

i am just in a really low spot right now. i feel like everything i’m doing in my life is making me chose. i don’t want to chose between my relationship and my ability to support myself.

i’ve considered cutting down on my work. But honestly, i don’t know how i’d survive financially.

Sometimes my Domina will mention wanting a slave. And there’s a part of me that hates myself for not being able to do that for Her. There’s a part of me that does want to be here all the time, to devote my entire self to Her, and that resents my financial situation that requires me to do otherwise. i feel like a failure for not being able to do everything.

i’m torn because She seems proud of my modeling, yet it is hindering Her happiness in a way. Hindering my happiness as well.

i’ve been crying on and off for the past week. Because of this issue. Because of other issues i have blogged about. Because of things said about me, that i won’t discuss here, not without permission. i feel worthless and at the very bottom of the world right now.

At a certain point in my life, i knew i needed to overcome what happened to me as a child. i needed to become whole and solid. i needed to fix the breaks.

The idea of becoming unbroken scared me, however. i was worried that no one would want me if i wasn’t broken. This was in direct contradiction to the idea that no one would want me if i was broken. But i still felt that a small amount of broken was needed in order for people to care. When i am completely solid, people don’t seem to check in on me. i’ll be okay, why should they?

Recently, my Domina said that i have grown and She doesn’t know what i need from Her.

All of a sudden, this fear came rushing back into me. i worry that, because of my self growth, that my Domina will feel that i am trained enough, healed enough, that i don’t need Her anymore. i am afraid that i have ruined my relationship by doing too much, by healing too much.

i wonder if a D/s relationship is always about teaching or healing. i know i have more to learn. i am at a complete loss regarding this issue. Granted, i am also very sick, so my brain is very confused at the moment. But i just wonder … if i’ve lost Her, if i will lose Her, if i am being selfish by saying i still need Her.

This will be a short post as i am up for just a bit before going back to sleep. i’ve been sneezing all day, and am desperately trying to sleep enough so i don’t get a full cold. At least not yet, i still have one more shoot this month.

When i go out of town, i turn back into this needy, insecure person. i feel like my Domina will realize She doesn’t need or want me. i read into things way too much, seeing signs of my dismissal.

When i get back into town, i have this cycle of desperate clutching at Her. i want to make sure She still loves me, and nothing is enough to convince me that She does.

After awhile it settles. However, this is something i really need to deal with inside myself. my job requires traveling, and i need to not go through this every few weeks.

So many people love and admire my Domina, i guess i just feel like someone will take my place.

i need to try to realize that i’m important and unique, but sometimes it’s just very difficult. Sometimes i don’t feel special or unique, i just feel lonely and worthless. Maybe not fully worthless, just not worthy enough to be with Her.

i just added some journals / blogs to my blogroll. These are BDSM journals that i follow and read regularly.

i did not list every single blog that i read that involves BDSM, but limited it (for now at least) to the ones that make BDSM their main focus.

Please take a moment and check out the links, as they might be good reads for Y/you.

i feel that E/everyone serves a purpose for each person that comes into T/their lives.

For my Domina, i strive to show Her that people are good, that people don’t always disappoint You, that people are loving and honest and loyal. She has been hurt many times in the past, and often gets to the point of just wanting to run away from everything. Every day, i try to show Her that my heart is pure and devoid of evil intentions. Through my love and my loyalty, i seek to heal the damage done by so many, and to give Her the most important thing in the world: Hope.

For me, my Domina shows me strength. She shows me Her own strength, forged out of the fires of pain and misuse. She shows me how to not be a victim, but to be a survivor. Through Her own strength, She shows me my own. i lean on Her when i feel weak, but She knows that i am strong enough on my own. Every day, She shows me my worth, my strength, my value. Through Her love and guidance, She heals my wounds created from my past, and gives me the most important gift: confidence in myself.

W/we are a match made for each other, a yin and yang of healing.

From Wikipedia:

“A majordomo is the highest (major) person of a household (domo) staff, one who acts on behalf of the (often absent) owner of a typically large residence.”

Recently, I have taken on the role of Majordomo for my Domina. I have taken a pet, who is in training under me. she is in training as a submissive, taught by a submissive.

You might see me capitalize my pronouns when speaking to her. You might notice that sometimes I capitalize my “I”s now, or simply use correct grammar / capitalization when referring to myself. This does not mean that I am any less of a submissive. I am not my pet’s Domina. I am her Majordomo.

In fact, training my pet instills my submissive nature in me more. My pet is under consideration by my Domina, dependent upon her completion of training. Through training my pet, I am helping my Domina by taking a weight off Her shoulders. She desires to have my pet trained in the ways of submission, but simply does not have the energy or time. As my Domina’s submissive, I can do these things for Her.

Through my training of my pet, I also am exploring my own submission. I am a self-taught submissive. I learned much of what I know now through reading, self-reflection and research. By giving tasks and assignments to my pet, I can see the path I have traveled as a submissive, and where I need to continue to grow.

My pet has a wonderful heart and an eager spirit. I am proud of her already, in her questions to me, in her eagerness to learn and please.

My pet is also my practice bottom, enabling me to build experience as a Top, so that my proSwitch work will improve. At the same time, I hope to give my pet the tools necessary to process pain, to learn about herself, and to fully embrace BDSM.

So, dear readers, I present to you, my pet ivy.

“Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” -  August Wilson

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” - Author Unknown

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy.” - Arthur Helps

i am admitting defeat. i am admitting that i was wrong. i am admitting that i cannot do this without help.

For the past two or three months, i have been on half of my normal dose of psychiatric medication. At first, this was due to necessity, as i had planned poorly and was running out. Rather than running out cold turkey, i decreased my dosage to half.

Upon getting a refill of medication, the doctor told me he was reticent to refill my prescription. Without realizing it, i have been on antidepressants and mood stabilizers for about six years now. The doctor was insistent that i do not have major depression, only episodic depression, and therefore should really attempt getting off my medication.

i decided to continue on a half dosage, seeing what would happen. i knew it would be hard, but i thought i could do it.

Things were rough from the onset. Thoughts, patterns came back up from my past. my emotions were completely out of whack. But i thought to myself, i need to do this. i need to prove to myself that i’m strong enough, that i don’t need these medications to be whole.

i realized the medications had pushed down a lot of pain, that i had foolishly thought was healed. i felt that, by remaining on half of my dosage, i could somehow gain the strength to beat that pain now, and would grow into something stronger and without a dependency on outside forces.

i was wrong.

i can no longer do this. i called my old psychiatrist today to schedule an appointment. i will be asking to go back on the normal dosage.

i see myself slipping into the person i once was, and i don’t like that person. i don’t like crying every day. i don’t like thinking about hurting myself, about disappearing, about dying, about how i’m an awful person.

Please know i have acted on none of these thoughts. Perhaps i should be proud that i have all of this inside of me, screaming at me, and still i hold it (somewhat) together. i don’t feel particularly proud right now though.

i feel weak. i feel like i’m letting Those Men win. i feel like i’m admitting defeat.

At this point, i believe i’ll always be on medication. i’m a strong person, and perhaps my strength is accepting my weaknesses now.

i cannot continue to do this to me, to T/those around me. i have fallen into a hole and i need to climb out.

Let it not be thought that my life has been without joy or meaning during these months. i have had moments of extreme happiness and love. It is only when alone, that i fall back.

When i am alone, there is nothing to drown out the voices of hatred and self-loathing.

i now know why people often confuse schizophrenia and multiple personalities. While it is a pet peeve of mine when people do this, i get it. Yes, i hear voices. Only mine are from inside. i wonder if it would be easier if they were from outside, if it wasn’t ME telling me that i’m awful. i wonder if the voices were external, could i ignore them better?

Through all of this, thoughts of my Domina and now my entire Family have helped. my Domina is the strength in my life. When i don’t care enough to live for myself, when i don’t care enough for myself to not harm myself, i care enough for Her. i know doing so would hurt Her, and thus i hold on. i hold onto my submission, my love for Her, and it has helped me through this time.

It is time for me to take the final step, and go back on my medication, so that i can get back to serving Her correctly, instead of simply holding on.